I had started a post last week describing the ups and downs of the last 4 weeks of pregnancy, but decided to wait until my first prenatal appointment and held off on publishing. I’m not sure why… maybe it was instinct. I had my first appointment on Monday and they did a regular ultrasound which didn’t show anything because I have a retroverted [or ‘tipped’ backward] uterus, so they scheduled me to come in the following day to meet with the U/S tech to do an internal U/S.
Needless to say I was very excited to see the baby for the first time and see its little heart beating. What I wasn’t expecting was for the tech to tell me she couldn’t see a heartbeat. But she didn’t come out and say ‘sorry, you had a miscarriage,’ she just looked sad for me and told me she was going to have me talk to my doctor. I had no symptoms leading up to this, so this news was a total shock to me. Apparently the baby just stopped developing at 8 weeks – and the day of the U/S I was 8 weeks and 4 days – so it had just happened.
I tend to reserve my emotions for when I’m alone or with my husband so I didn’t lose it at the doctor’s office and as soon as they gave me my options I opted to have a D&E rather than wait for my body to flush things out – from what I read afterward, that could take several weeks or it could never happen, so I feel like I made the right decision to take care of it as soon as possible. I also was afraid I’d suddenly start cramping and bleeding excessively while at work or in public. Or that I’d just lose weeks and weeks when I could have been recovering and my body could get ready to support a new pregnancy.
So I had the D&E done yesterday and despite the 2 hour commute to get there, it went better than I had expected. The nurse I had was very upbeat and and high-energy in a good way, and she stayed with me through the whole process. She cam in with me during the procedure [my husband didn’t think he could handle it without passing out so I told him to sit it out… lol], and she made such a huge difference in making what was a crappy situation much more bearable. It went quickly and they gave me just enough pain meds to make it manageable [I wasn’t put under]. It only lasted 10 minutes and both the doctor and the nurse repeatedly told me how well I did, which was nice to hear. I have a high tolerance for pain so maybe I handled it better than some. I didn’t move, more out of fear of causing a perforation during the procedure than anything else. The doctor was very nice and seemed to me like she was also as gentle as she could be.
In a surreal moment, the doctor she me I had incredibly strong internal muscles and asked me if I did a lot of kegels… Nope. I just have what I’ve always called a ‘camel bladder’ and have been really good at ‘holding it’ since I was a kid – because I used to hate using public bathrooms. lol… Apparently while I was in the ladies room after the procedure, my nurse went to talk to my husband to let him know how it went and told him I did amazing and that he should be proud. His response was, “that’s not surprising… she’s a trooper.” =)
We got home shortly after noon and I slept most of the afternoon. I was pleased to find that the cramping really wasn’t that bad, even after the IV pain meds wore off – nor was the bleeding – it had almost stopped by the time I went to bed yesterday and there’s only been a bare trace of it today. I guess I had expected a longer recovery period that was much more painful and arduous, so under the circumstances, I feel very fortunate.
I allowed myself to feel sad when it would hit me and now those waves are much smaller and easier to deal with. I decided right from the start that this was a blessing in disguise because if there was a developmental issue, I’d rather find out early than weeks or months later, or worse, give birth to a child with severe issues. This was mother nature’s way of saying, ‘sorry, but you need to try again.’
I have to say, I was shocked to learn just how common miscarriages are – 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and that’s of the ones that are known. Many women have them early enough that they don’t even know they’re pregnant yet and it probably seems like they’re having a heavier period. Hopefully my body will heal quickly and get back into a normal cycle. My doctor recommended waiting until I have two normal cycles before we start trying again – to make sure the uterus lining is back to normal and able to sustain a healthy pregnancy. Which makes sense.
Before yesterday I had felt a desperation – I didn’t want to wait too long to start trying again. I think I felt the need to replace the baby I’d just lost as soon as possible, for fear of feeling ’empty.’ Today, I feel the opposite. I feel like I deserve time to heal and be ready again, and it will happen when it’s supposed to happen. I am not in control of Mother Nature. And as my dad says, “Mother Nature’s behavior cannot be predicted.” lol…
One really positive thing to come of this situation is how much love and support i’ve gotten from my closest friends and family members that we shared the news with initially. We only told people we knew would be positive if something bad happened and I’m so glad we did. It makes all the difference knowing you can talk to people about it and not shoulder the whole burden alone. I even told my boss who was so supportive and understanding and shared that she had gone through the same thing, which for some reason was comforting.
So, this has been a challenging year, physically and emotionally, but once again, a positive attitude has made all the difference. My husband told me the other day, “Once again I’m amazed by your resiliance.” lol… He’s a brutally honest type who doesn’t give compliments for nothing, so for him to say that meant a lot to me.
When I first got the news and hadn’t even talked to my him yet, I cried the whole way home, but I also kept repeating to myself, “This is for the best. I’m going to be okay and we are not giving up.” When I did tell my husband and we talked it out, that was where we both ended up – it’s sad, but we’ll get through it together and it won’t stop us from having a happy and healthy family. So, this isn’t over. We’ll get there. =)
And I have to wonder if living primal has helped me recover so quickly. I was actually surprised at how good my blood pressure was, both in the doctor’s office earlier this week and all through being monitored yesterday. Since I was a teenager I’ve always been around 120/70. Yesterday I was anywhere from 113/55 to 115/62 – even after a stressful, 2-hour drive there in rush hour traffic. I did allow myself to eat comfort food yesterday – which meant a lot of carbs and it was nice at first until I realized the feeling it gave me physically just wasn’t ‘comforting’, so I stopped and went back to primal eating this afternoon and am ready to move on now and focus on eating healthy and living healthy. That is something I CAN control…
Exercise[The]Demons 
Thinking of you…