I started a new job in June of 2010 and it was horrible. Non-stop stress, yelling, ridiculous expectations and having to work in what I called, ‘the sweatshop’ office – 6 of us crammed into one office, one of which I really didn’t like. And I’m a designer, so try being creative with sales people, program managers and the like on the phone all day long, sitting next to a very large, very loud printer that was constantly going, with people coming in and out to pick up their printouts. No privacy, no freedom to even break for 2 minutes to write a personal email. No time for food or even bathroom breaks. But it was a job. After being laid off, I felt lucky to find this job after just 4 or so weeks and I was determined to make it work. Unfortunately, it sucked up so much of my energy and time that I let almost all of new new, healthy habits go and just ‘coped’ for a year straight.
Things at work are much better now. We moved to a new building last June and I have my own cube. We have more people, including me having a new boss who’s really nice and laid back, and who balances our CEO quite nicely. After the hell of the first year I think I proved my worth and now my CEO loves me and treats me very differently than she did at first. But all those bad ‘coping’ habits I picked up the first year didn’t go away on their own and I didn’t realize I was still doing them until recently when I got frustrated about not being able to continue my weightloss journey successfully. ‘
I’VE LITERALLY GAINED AND LOST THE SAME 10-15LBS 4 TIMES IN THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF.
But I have NOT given up. I woke up last week thinking about a book a read a long time ago – ‘The Secret.’ It was kind of a trendy thing that was popular – a book about the power of the universe, and the laws of attraction. Basically, about how ‘you are what you think.’ Think positively, expect the things you want and attract them into your life – or, do what I was doing – think negatively after a huge loss in confidence [thanks to the new job], get in a rut and go nowhere. I didn’t even know I was doing it, so when that book popped into my head, I took it as a sign. The last month or two I’ve been ‘wishing’ for things to be as easy as they were before when I was still at my last job. I had very little stress, a lot of freedom and a lot of motivation. Losing weight and eating healthy was just easy back then. Not anymore and though it took a while for me to stop mourning my last job and accept my life as it is, I wasn’t crossing that invisible line I had apparently drawn in front of myself.
I let the new job color how I felt about myself. When you’re yelled at and made to feel incompetent almost every day for a good 6+ months, I guess you start to believe it. It didnt’ matter that I knew I was talented and came with 16 years experience in what I did, I had to prove myself all over again to a very demanding, very hard-working stickler of a woman. I wanted to quit over and over and even updated my resume and started putting feelers out, but there was something in the back of my mind, instinct that told me if I could stick it out, it would be worth it. I’ve since been given a raise, shares in the company and am up for a bonus in January. Before this job, I’d never received a raise I didn’t have to demand [despite always performing well beyond expectations], and I’d never received a bonus of any kind.
This job has forced me to become a ‘morning person’ of which I’m not and I’m still fighting that. I leave for work around 6:15 am now to get to work by 7am [it's only a 30 mile commute, but the traffic is horrendous, so I leave early to prevent a 90 minute drive in, and try to leave early to miss the same ordeal on the way home], and I try to leave by 3:30 but up until recently that NEVER happened, so by the time I got home it was a 12+ hour day, I was exhausted, emotionally tapped out, stressed, fried and ready to check out. I started reading after work to unwind because my brain couldn’t even deal with the sound of the TV or listening to music, but because I wouldn’t eat enough all day, I’d come home famished. And because of my schedule, my husband would come home later than I would, so I’d try waiting for him to have dinner – which meant a lot of mindless snacking while reading. I kept up my exercise routine pretty well for the most part, though the past 6 months have been especially grueling at work with huge goals, deadlines and projects that took up so much of my time [and a lot of family issues on top of that] that I actually worked every day I was on vacation in September to keep things moving, so my eventually, even my exercise routine suffered. I managed to maintain my weight until then, but then the extra 10-15lbs would creep back on and I’d pull it together for a few weeks to get it off again, only to repeat the cycle over and over.
Now that I have proved myself and things are getting slightly easier at work, it’s time to reprogram my brain to think positively again and to reestablish healthy habits and an after-work routine that maximizes the time I have – while also getting more rest. Another issue I have with this earlier schedule. My husband is in finance and has times of year where he’s working much longer hours working on budgets and forecasts with other groups and he’ll come home anywhere from 8pm to 10pm. I’m supposed to be asleep by 9:30 to get 8 hours, but I’m lucky if I get to bed at 10:30. So, I’m always tired. And when I’m tired, I don’t know about you, but it’s a lot harder to make healthy choices. The smallest things seem too daunting. Why cut up an apple with a bit of cheese or nuts when I can grab a bag of chips? And then popcorn? And then chocolate? And so on… until I’ve essentially ruined my dinner and eaten more calories in the span of 2 hours than I have the rest of the day combined. Vicious circle.
So, it’s time to break the cycle. I’m back to visualizing what I want to look like, how I want to feel, what I want to do in terms of physical challenges. I’m going to start running again and instead of pushing myself too hard, too fast and flaming out, I’m going to treat it as my ‘easy’ workout and go as slow as I need to to finish and not feel like I’m going to keel over. I’ll still do my kickboxing and weight training and stretching/yoga, but I want to run 3-4 times per week. I’ll start off mostly walking and gradually increase the number of times I run and the speed, etc. I have a longterm goal of being able to run 3 miles in 30 minutes. I’m hoping I’ll blow that goal out of the water within 1 year, but I want to set a goal that’s attainable because I’m essentially starting from scratch. I haven’t run in months. Eventually I’d like to be able to run 5 miles in 30 minutes and maybe I’ll think about running a 5k to start with, then maybe a 10k and a half marathon. Who knows. One step at a time for now. I have the rest of my life – I’m in no rush. As long as I’m doing it – working toward a goal and becoming a runner – and not looking at my treadmill and regretting how much time I let pass without using it.
I need to get proper rest, proper nutrition and hydration, and stick to a routine of exercise and I know my body will respond positively and I’ll slowly start looking and feeling like the ‘me’ I’m visualizing each day. I may need to be ‘selfish’ at times and just go to bed vs. stay up to spend time with my hubby when he works late. I may need to cut visits with friends short so I can get home and get my workout in. I know this schedule isn’t permanent. I’m still working to finish paying of my debt in a few months, saving in the meantime and hopefully we’ll start a family next year and I’ll have enough saved up by the time baby #1 arrives to be able to take some time off if our financial situation doesn’t change [but hopefully between now and then my husband will have a salary adjustment/promotion and the housing market picks up so we can refi and get rid of PMI, bringing our monthly payments down, etc.], and then I can look for part time contract work that I can do from home and have the best of both worlds. I’ll be home for our kids, but I’ll also have my career and will have my own source of income to keep contributing to the household costs, but also extra money for shopping and savings. My husband and I don’t fight over money because we keep our accounts separate. It works for us and I’d like to keep it that way.
So, if ’YOU ARE WHAT YOU THINK’ then I’m a 5’7″ athletic, yet feminine woman who’s lost 100lbs, who is very active and leads a clean, healthy life. And I’ll be a happy, healthy, loving wife and mother who finds the happiness and joy in every day and doesn’t sweat the small stuff.
Sometimes life throws you speed bumps, slowing you down, with twists and turns, but the road is still there waiting to be traversed. In the past 6 months my grandmother passed away, my best friend’s mom passed away, my brother needed a quadruple bypass [he's 35], my other grandmother broke her hip, my grandfather passed away, my grandmother came home from surgery and rehab only to fall again and compress her spine, so she’s back in rehab… it’s been one thing after another. Knock on wood my parents, my husband and I are all fine, but it’s the people around us causing us stress and worry, requiring more of our time and energy – which for the most part I’m happy to give, but sometimes I get resentful because some of it was either self-inflicted or preventable… but that’s life. I have a goal of reaching my ideal weight of 155lbs by my birthday the end of February. That’s 35lbs. It’s probably a tall order, but not impossible. And even if I get within 15lbs of that it’s still progress that I’ll be proud of. I may stumble and fall here and there, but I’ll never give up. I can see the road again. It’s been foggy for the past year and a half, but the fog’s cleared and I’m up for the challenge.
