I realized today that my attitude toward food has changed dramatically over the past few months. I no longer think about what I can and can’t have. It’s not about that anymore. It’s about what I want and don’t want in my body. I’ve been training harder the past few months using the ‘ChaLEAN Extreme’ program from Chalene Johnson [via beachbody.com], which emphasizes heavy weight strength training and intense interval cardio drills and resistance intervals, and I’ve noticed such a dramatic difference in how I feel, physically… so the thought of putting garbage into my new found ‘Lamborghini’ is almost unthinkable. I say ‘almost’ because here and there I let myself indulge – but I’ve gotten much better at having a taste of something vs. a whole slice of whatever. And it’s fewer and farther between than it used to be. I focus on what I love to eat, that’s healthy, clean and delicious. I’m having fun with making up new recipes that are fast and easy. I find myself ordering salads in restaurants far more often.
My magazine subscriptions have changed, too. I used to subscribe to ‘girlie’ fashion staples like Cosmo, InStyle, Glamour, etc… but now I get mags like Oxygen, EatingWell, Clean-Eating, and Bon Appetit. They’re full of ideas and inspiration for eating and living well. Seeing the gorgeous physiques of the women in Oxygen is very motivational, too. I used to see bodies like that and think,’I'll never look like that.” Well… now I know I will. I’m well on my way. To date, I’ve lost 30 lbs. and I’m starting to see muscles in my arms I haven’t seen in a long time. I still have a ways to go, but I’ve put 1/3 of it behind me now. I relaxed for a few weeks once I hit the 30 lb-gone mark, but used the holiday last week to refocus and recommit. I’m onto ‘the next 30′ now.
I still don’t know where my weight will end up. I have nothing to go on. My weight ranged from 150 to 170 in highschool, and I was never bigger than a size 10 [I'm 5'7"]. I know I already look great at 180, but maybe I’ll trim down to 150 – who knows. The best part is – I don’t care. The scale has no power over me anymore. It’s just a unit of measurement – as well as my waist – which is down 8″ since the start of my journey last year.
I have friends who are overweight – a few of them obese. I used to eat the way they did and tell myself the things they do – the whole, “I’ll start dieting on Monday… today I’m going to eat whatever I want.” [and then never starting or stopping a few days after]… or “I just look at a piece of cake and I gain 10 lbs – life isn’t fair” while munching on a huge piece of cake after a fattening 3 course-meal. I know they’re in denial, but it’s not up to me to point it out. I’m here if they decide they’ve had enough and want to make a change. I’m more than happy to share what I’ve learned so far, but I’m on my own journey. It’s definitely an eye-opener when I see them eating and hear them rationalizing it or making excuses. I used to do that same. It makes me sad for them and for how I was myself for 20+ years, but it’s also motivational to know that I’m not like that anymore.
I’ve also learned that setting date-oriented weightloss goals is pointless and now that I”m not in a hurry it just seems that much easier. My husband and I have our 7th wedding anniversary coming up in September and we’re thinking of going back to Bermuda. Old me would have thought, “Okay… I have 16 weeks until we leave, so if I can lose 3lbs per week, that’s 48lbs… but I can probalby do 50 lbs, and then I’ll be a size ‘x’ and… then I’ll finally enjoy a vacation and not feel self-conscious in my bathing suit.” I think about that now and think how stupid that sounds. Even though I have a long way to go, I already feel so much better about myself and so much more confident – and have so much more respect and love for what my body can do – that I can’t imagine feeling ashamed anymore. I can squat 70lbs for crying out loud – that is AWESOME! lol… so what if I’m not a 90 lb weakling with knobby knees and a prematurely wrinkled face from lack of nutrition and calories and a premature hunch from having no muscle for proper posture. It still baffles me that people find that attractive.
I don’t have any regrets – because of my ongoing struggle with my weight since the age of 10 I’ve learned so much about the human body – that I feel like I’m well prepared to do what I can to have the healthiest, happiest life possible… but that being said, sometimes I wish I could have figured it all out sooner. Better late than never, right? If I had better role models growing up I wouldn’t be writing this right now. All I can do is make sure I’m the better role model when WE have kids so they never have to go through all that emotional turmoil and self-hatred.
Breaking the cycle… one day at a time.
