I realized today that my attitude toward food has changed dramatically over the past few months. I no longer think about what I can and can’t have. It’s not about that anymore. It’s about what I want and don’t want in my body. I’ve been training harder the past few months using the ‘ChaLEAN Extreme’ program from Chalene Johnson [via beachbody.com], which emphasizes heavy weight strength training and intense interval cardio drills and resistance intervals, and I’ve noticed such a dramatic difference in how I feel, physically… so the thought of putting garbage into my new found ‘Lamborghini’ is almost unthinkable. I say ‘almost’ because here and there I let myself indulge – but I’ve gotten much better at having a taste of something vs. a whole slice of whatever. And it’s fewer and farther between than it used to be. I focus on what I love to eat, that’s healthy, clean and delicious. I’m having fun with making up new recipes that are fast and easy. I find myself ordering salads in restaurants far more often.
My magazine subscriptions have changed, too. I used to subscribe to ‘girlie’ fashion staples like Cosmo, InStyle, Glamour, etc… but now I get mags like Oxygen, EatingWell, Clean-Eating, and Bon Appetit. They’re full of ideas and inspiration for eating and living well. Seeing the gorgeous physiques of the women in Oxygen is very motivational, too. I used to see bodies like that and think,’I'll never look like that.” Well… now I know I will. I’m well on my way. To date, I’ve lost 30 lbs. and I’m starting to see muscles in my arms I haven’t seen in a long time. I still have a ways to go, but I’ve put 1/3 of it behind me now. I relaxed for a few weeks once I hit the 30 lb-gone mark, but used the holiday last week to refocus and recommit. I’m onto ‘the next 30′ now.
I still don’t know where my weight will end up. I have nothing to go on. My weight ranged from 150 to 170 in highschool, and I was never bigger than a size 10 [I'm 5'7"]. I know I already look great at 180, but maybe I’ll trim down to 150 – who knows. The best part is – I don’t care. The scale has no power over me anymore. It’s just a unit of measurement – as well as my waist – which is down 8″ since the start of my journey last year.
I have friends who are overweight – a few of them obese. I used to eat the way they did and tell myself the things they do – the whole, “I’ll start dieting on Monday… today I’m going to eat whatever I want.” [and then never starting or stopping a few days after]… or “I just look at a piece of cake and I gain 10 lbs – life isn’t fair” while munching on a huge piece of cake after a fattening 3 course-meal. I know they’re in denial, but it’s not up to me to point it out. I’m here if they decide they’ve had enough and want to make a change. I’m more than happy to share what I’ve learned so far, but I’m on my own journey. It’s definitely an eye-opener when I see them eating and hear them rationalizing it or making excuses. I used to do that same. It makes me sad for them and for how I was myself for 20+ years, but it’s also motivational to know that I’m not like that anymore.
I’ve also learned that setting date-oriented weightloss goals is pointless and now that I”m not in a hurry it just seems that much easier. My husband and I have our 7th wedding anniversary coming up in September and we’re thinking of going back to Bermuda. Old me would have thought, “Okay… I have 16 weeks until we leave, so if I can lose 3lbs per week, that’s 48lbs… but I can probalby do 50 lbs, and then I’ll be a size ‘x’ and… then I’ll finally enjoy a vacation and not feel self-conscious in my bathing suit.” I think about that now and think how stupid that sounds. Even though I have a long way to go, I already feel so much better about myself and so much more confident – and have so much more respect and love for what my body can do – that I can’t imagine feeling ashamed anymore. I can squat 70lbs for crying out loud – that is AWESOME! lol… so what if I’m not a 90 lb weakling with knobby knees and a prematurely wrinkled face from lack of nutrition and calories and a premature hunch from having no muscle for proper posture. It still baffles me that people find that attractive.
I don’t have any regrets – because of my ongoing struggle with my weight since the age of 10 I’ve learned so much about the human body – that I feel like I’m well prepared to do what I can to have the healthiest, happiest life possible… but that being said, sometimes I wish I could have figured it all out sooner. Better late than never, right? If I had better role models growing up I wouldn’t be writing this right now. All I can do is make sure I’m the better role model when WE have kids so they never have to go through all that emotional turmoil and self-hatred.
Breaking the cycle… one day at a time.
I’ve been home for about a month now since dropping my life to go take care of my mother and grandmother in Florida. It was a scary time, but now that it’s behind me, I can say there were things that I gained from the experience. I realized that I’m capable of jumping into a situation like that and doing what I need to do, despite how scared, tired, stressed I am. I learned that my grandmother and I have a lot more in common than I ever thought and now we’re closer than we’ve every been at any other time in my life. Such a great bonus. And it also just reaffirmed what I already knew – that we all need to take care of ourselves if we want to stay strong and healthy – and not rely on family or strangers to care for us when we suddenly fall ill… In the 2 or so weeks I was there, I ate really well – and I lost 8 lbs. I lost 2 more when I got home and then I’ve kind of held - which I suppose is called a ‘plateau’ but I know it isn’t a true plateau. I’ve relaxed my eating a little bit and I started weight training again after not doing it for 3 weeks, so my body is just adjusting. I’ve since lost another inch of my waist, so I know I’m still burning fat despite the lack of movement on the scale. To date I’ve lost 28 lbs. I’m shooting to lose another 48 lbs or so and then taking it from there. It’s really not about the weight so much anymore – it’s about how I feel. 
